by Kirsty Ashford
He was a strange one indeed, a strange but wondrous man and I… I was so naive. At first I couldn’t quite pin it, there was something about him that was so desirable to me, and thinking more and more about it, I found myself, well, thinking more and more about him. Was I in love?
I was 20, he was 36. He was so beautiful, and from day one I was in trouble.
He always persisted, “You can’t love me, just care for me like a lost kitten.” But I persisted, “But I love you, no one else but you and only you. Why cant you understand that?”
This was an ongoing battle for two years. I believed I could change his mind, so frightened of loosing this feeling I had never had before. He cheated, he lied, he decieved, and he stole from me, yet… I couldnt bring myself to run away and leave him behind.
His words: “You are far too lovely… you must move on. I’m a train wreck of a loon and you have more than a straight life. I want you to move on and be normal and have an amazing life, but you must still be my friend.”
Loving someone as a friend and loving someone because you want to be with them is such a fine line, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I tried and tried again explaining to him that “it’s not like switching on and off a light, you just can’t turn off true feelings, true love like that.” He didnt seem to understand that, but I dont think I did either.
27th August 2010 22:17:36 He said: “Hey you, you’ve just gone and I am hoping with all my desperate little heart that you never learn to hate me. I’ll always be there for you ok, thats a promise.”
He would always feed my love for him, telling me I was his “bubble of hope”, I am what keeps him from crumbling, I was his “piece of paradise in this madness”. I knew of his past and what horrors he had been through and I think I was one of only maybe a few, if only the one that understood why he was like he was, so he considered me someone special. Sometimes even I had a hard time understanding his riddles that even he tried to make sense of.
He told me: “I am the lesson to be learned by others. And therefore shall never have a normal life.”
It seems that he told me many things, some wise, some confusing, some questionable.
I’m like a doll…
I have been played with and used,
But now I remain forever in a dusty attic, sitting on top of a box with only a window to look out of.
Forever in the hope someone will come upstairs and find me. And maybe hold me close to their heart…
But I feel that maybe no one will ever make the feeling I once felt come back.
You don’t touch him out of love.
You don’t confess for fear of destroying everything.
A love with no hope of requital…
He told me: “It’s your kindness that tears me apart.”
Is he playing games with me?
I cannot rid my mind of a grain of doubt.
He is a free spirit, though; I do not own him.
Only I do not relish the thought of being played for a fool.
And I do not want to be used.
He went away. I claimed to never hate him and I didn’t, there is too much hate in the world for me to so carelessly add to it like that but, I was angry. So very angry. But after a while that anger went too. Now, all that remains is pity but sometimes that can be just as dangerous. I try my hardest now when he visits once in a blue moon to not get close. I did love him and somewhat I still do but after everything I couldn’t put myself through it all again as I dont think the second time round I would survive.
There is so much more I could tell you about this love of mine and so much more emotion to it then in just these few words and you probably dont understand but, it would take what almost feels a life time to tell you the whole story. I have decided not to waste any more time telling the past but now, I just try my best to focus on the future. It’s hard, I won’t deny but I am better now. I work hard with my love for my art and I focus on the possible people who I shall meet in the future and places I will go in this wondrous world.
You’re not going to bother me no more… no more.
by Alex Wein
It took me 22 years to feel love for the first time. She now lives 1,000 miles away. I couldn’t see how much she meant to me until she was gone. I fantasize about sweeping her off of her feet again and how I would do it, until I realize how near impossible that would be. I am hoping the Miami born midwest living beauty migrates to my California residence because not being near her is wrenching my heart and driving me mad.